just a 20 year old teenage girl

 im turning 20 on wednesday, my teenage years are coming to end. its a pretty bittersweet feeling when i think about it. because i didnt do anything productive, not even in the working and grinding way, as a teenager. but at the same i couldnt care less. i need to grow up and separate myself from the teenage angst and self loathing! and more years to come.

i also survived exam season! and failed only one subject in the end! which is a miracle, because i thought of dropping out on the spot multiple times. but summer semester here we go. im thinking of changing schools and major, which is scary for me, i dont do well with changes, especially the big life changing ones. but life is constantly changing and full of uncertainity. 

im fooling around more with friends. posed for my friends painting and im doing photoshoot tomorrow. and i want to do more art this year and month. i feel more free. also spring and summer is coming around, and the depressive cold melancholic winter is going away and my will to live is starting to come back too.

 

things to do to feel alive and other words without meaning

i havent felt alive and myself in a long time, so i cut my hair and started a blog. do i feel alive now? i dont think so, but atleast i spiced up my boring life.

other things to do to feel alive:

• go to parties, pub quizes etc... socialize!!!!!
• spice up your make up
• dont scroll too often, dont further your brainrot 
• develop hobbies.... hard. 
• learn a language
• boundaries, speak up. also hard
• be weird

last one is cringe but improtant, i lost my cool weirdness and i have to find it again. need to be esoteric, fitting in doesnt work for me, i will never fit in i will always be weird to other people no matter how hard i try to appeal to other people. dont be just a horse, be a unicorn ^_^